Small TidBit's of FuN
by MasterKazoom
Summary: My mind came up with some more funny stuff. This was actually posted by on fictionalley.org but I decided to put it up here. Have a good laugh! Reorganized, check in frequently, I wil update each chapter again and again!
1. Death Eater Delirium

He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named stood in a doorway, facing the wall. Wormtail was at his side, whimpering and shacking in fear. Or was it sheer terror? Or maybe something completely else? Yes, it was laughter, but not just a guffaw, it was manic, frenzied laughter, and the Dark Lord or Who-Is-Just-To-Dumb-To-Think-Of-A-Good-Name had his head hung. What happened to the Dark Lord? Was he defeated, by his mere servant? Was Wormtail mad, correction, he is already mad. Again: Was Wormtail back in his mind and stopped serving He-Who-Has-The-Darkest-Robes-On-Earth? But the laughter sounded so evil, worse than any evil laughter known to mankind. The Dark Lord's back slumped and Wormtail hit the wall three times with his silver hand, a crushing noise indicating that the wall had three new holes in it. 

"I won! YOU LOST! Wormtail conquers the Dark Lord in the Final Battle and he is the NEW Dark LORRRD! Muahaha!" the evil laughter again rang through the stony passage and He-Who-Secretly-Adores-Redheads finally got his wit and strength back. But was he a match against the way too strong Wormtail? Was he, the once most powerful wizard on the planet, strong enough to get his crown back? Well, the old Dark Lord wouldn't surrender, he would fight till the very end. Till the very, very end. 

"You want to fight against me, against ME? You want to be smashed again? I will show you what true strength is!" And with these words, Wormtail raised his wand, halfway facing You-Know-That-Idiot, who himself had drawn his wand, red eyes glinting. 

And Wormtail started to hurl his first curse at the former Dark Lord. But oddly enough, it was no Crucio nor Avada Kedavra. 

"Cross!" He-Who-Cannot-Cast-The-Jelly-Legs-Jinx stood still and the curse hit the wall besides him, a red cross on the stony bricks. He sneered at the New Dark Lord and began to chant his first spell. 

"Circle!" it hit the wall next to the red cross, a blue circle exactly the same size. What was happening? Why was Wormtail aiming that badly, had he been at the Firewhiskey bottle again? And why was He-Who-Stole-Malfoys-Leather-Thongs throwing curses called circle? What was this act? Where was Harry Potter, and even more important, why is the sky blue? We don't know. No one knows. But we have the result of Wormtails and He-Who-Still-Has-Pimples fight. The former and new Dark Lord was once again big boss in place. Here are the exact results. 

XOO   
XOX   
OXX 

* * *

Who wears a stupid mask and has an ugly tattoo on his forearm? Well, these funny guys are called Death Eaters and are famous for their incompetence and stupidity. The smartest one, called Wormtail (you can GUESS why he's got that name, and no it's not because he is a rat animagus), is as clever as a rotten tulip. The vilest (and ugliest) of them is mad, and probably the most cunning of them is having a private war with other wizarding families (i.e. the Weasleys) all the time, but to no avail. You see, they are quite cool. 


	2. The Lick

Filch: (strokes Mrs Norris) ahh, nice cat wonderful cat... (Mrs Norris purrs)   
Snape: Filch? What the hell? Nevermind, you have to help me, students are out of bed!   
(Filch does not seem to hear him)   
Snape: Filch? Hey? Planet earth to Filch!   
(Filch just looks fixedly at Mrs Norris and pets her)   
Snape: Damn, I knew Dumbledore would only hire nutters for this job - I mean, really, who would work for a guy with a last name like Dumbledore??? Hagrid, that big oaf, Filch here, obsessed with his cat, McGonagall has a sick fetish with cats, too. She changes into a cat so Filch "pets" her, errrgh! Flitwick is on drugs all day, as well as this Trelawney woman. And Sprout - I try to forget the day I entered the staff room and she was sitting on one of the couches with only her dragonhide gloves on....  
(Flich still ignores Snape, who now sits on the ground. Mrs Norris seems to take pity and starts to lick Snapes palm)   
Snape: Hey, go away you filthy little monster! Hey! Heyyy... that's not that bad.... 

.::..::..::.

Parvati and Lavender are gossiping, as usual. 

"What? Filch has a fetish with cats?" Parvati gasped. Lavender shrugged. 

"Everyone knows that. But the new thing is - Snape has a cat-fetish, too." Now Parvati looked downright offended. The greasy, hook-nosed potions master, Severus Snape, be-being with c-c - No, she couldn't say it. She couldn't even think about it. It was gross. Just gross. 

They talked some more, sitting at a large table in the library. It was well beyond midnight, but they had some Divination stuff to look up. The gossip was mainly about some rumors that Colin finally took some photos of Harry undressed, but he wouldn't tell or show them. 

"Blast, bet he turned gay after he saw those pictures," complained Lavender. She was always more fond of Harry than any other Gryffindor girl. She was even a little cross with Parvati, who once had a date with Harry. 'Only a stupid ball' Parvati would insist, but nonetheless Lavender was jealous. 

"And did you hear that stuff about Flitwick? Sly little-*thud* What was that?" They turned their heads towards the sound, a soft bt audible creak. The door was open, but only ever so slightly. 

"We should get outta here." said Parvati nervously. But Lavender only laughed.   
"Ohh, Parvi-Tati! Believing in ghosties, hm? Wait - Ghosts are real. Again. Afraid of the Bloody Baron, hm? We stay here, it was probably Peeves destroying something useless again."   
But Lavender was not convinced. She stayed, though. 

A quick glance to the door, which stood ajar, still. She looked at Lavender again, seeing her mouth form words, but not really listening. Her fingers were moving uncontrollably, cold sweat pouring down her forehead. Yes indeed, she was afraid of the Bloody Baron, but Parvati had the strange feeling that it was something else, something more horrible than she ever saw or met before. Lavender was giggling now, but what about Parvati did not know. Probably about some girl stuff. But girl stuff, although Parvati's favourite hobby, was not distracting her, she was fully aware of her surroundings, and now that she kept close attention to the door and the rest of the library, she heard noises she never ever noticed before - the unfrequently scratching of Lavenders quill, the soft dipping into the ink pot. the ruffling of something behind a bookwall, the creaking behind the librarian's door. She was frightened beyond imagination. 

"Parvati? Parvati?! You look odd, is everything okay?" Lavender put her hand over Parvati's left, trying to calm her twitching friend. But Parvati was twitching even heavier, small moans coming out of her mouth. 

"Ohhh, ohhh. Mrs-Norrris, that---that, OHHHH-"

*'*'""""'*'* 

(The Staffroom. Minvera McGonagall chats with Severus Snape. well, they are fighting, to be honest.) 

Snape: That is ridiculous, Minerva! Honestly, the Gryffindor Quidditch Team won't win this time, and there's a simple reason for that - These Weasley twins are not on the team anymore, and our team has new brooms! Firebolts!   
McGonagall: New Brooms won't make a bad player good. We have an excellent team, we have Potter, and we have Weasl-   
Snape: Weasley! You think WEASLEY is winning the cup for you this time? YOU HONESTLY THINK THAT, really hilarious, THAT (laughs his head off)   
McGonagall: Argh! You-You (changes into cat and starts to lick Severus Snape's hand)   
Snape: HaaHa-HAA. Hooo Huuu. Unfaaaiiiiirrr.... hooooo... 

* * *

Be sure to check in frequently! The Lick's my favourite! Not that I'd enjoy be licked by Mrs Norris, Yuck!


	3. Pathetic Gryffindors

Harry: Hey Ron what's up? How're the Cannons doing?  
Ron: The Cannons? THE CANNONS? You like these stupid Cannons? What happened to you, Harry? Bumped your head? Missed the train? Overslept? The nu elite team, the Redhorn Rebels, rules now! Cannons suxx! Rebels forever! 

~~~;,;;,;~~~

Ron and Harry are plotting a way how to get Draco expelled. They do it in the thropy room, because nobody goes in there and because Hermione mustn't hear them, she would tell them off, naturally. 

Ron: Oooh, yeah that's good. And include something about a hippogriff! Something like - and a hippogriff bites his arm off! 

Harry: Well, that won't go, Buckbeak is not here and I have no idea if Hagrid would borrow me a hippogriff to bite Malfoy... I mean, even hippogriffs have pride... 

Ron: Darn. Okaaay, how about we transfigure him into a ferret! That'll be grand! 

Harry: Well, do you know how to do it? I mean, were not fully qualified wizards yet... 

Ron: Well, ... blast. Why you are so defeatist, Harry? I mean, we could try it! We have to get him expelled! 

Harry: Yeah, and what are we going to do? Poke our wands in his back and yell turn into a ferret you sodding bastard? Bet that'll work. I agree that he should be expelled, but we have to stay in the background, let the whole situation look like we are innocent... 

Draco Malfoy appears from behind a big cup and smirks at them. 

Malfoy: Well well, potty and his weasel? What are you two up to? 

Ron: Nothing! Just-just, er, doing homework! 

Malfoy: And you think I believe that? Without buckteeth Granger you wouldn't touch a book unless it is quidditch-related. 

Malfoy steps forward and grabs the parchment Harry had written on, sidestepping Ron who tried to intercept him. 

Malfoy: Too slow, Weasley. And you are the Gryffindor Keeper, I should try out Chaser... Now let's see, what is this... aha... hmhm... interesting... 

Ron and Harry looked worriedly at Draco, who was reading the parchment without a trace of anger or joy, with no emotion at all , as a matter of fact. 

Malfoy: Okay, Potter, I assume you wrote this. First of all, I'm not very likely to kidnap a muggle child, claiming that I am Slytherins Heir. I am a Malfoy and proud of it, remember that. Secondly, even that old fool Dumbledore is smart enough to cast a _stupefy_, so attacking him disguising yourself as me and Goyle won't help, either. You'll probably get expelled, so this is a good plan, keep it. Now, what I would do if I were in your situation: Convince that good-looking Ravenclaw Fifth-year, whatwashername? Patil something. Anyway, convince her to seduce me and make some nice shots with a hidden camera. Put them somewhere so Granger finds them and she will automatically run to McGonagall or Dumbledore and expelled I am. 

Ron and Harry looked blankly at Draco, mouths open. Draco rolled his eyes and murmured: "stupid and pathetic Gryffindors. Note: Never mix up with their kind." 

++++-++++

Harry was entering Gryffindor Tower, gasping for breath. It had been close, Filch almost caught him this time. He should have a serious conversation with the Quidditch captain, training after curfew was raising the detention quota immensely. 

Ron was still out there, he thought with a shudder. He hadn't used his father's cloak, it would have been too much to explain, except Ron and Hermione noone knew about it. But Ron was not with him, Ron was still out there. He wanted to fetch some food from the kitchens, telling Harry he would come in a minute. 

Harry scrambled in his dormitory, his muscles still aching. He climbed onto his bed, reached for his trunk and searched for the familiar sheet of parchment. 

He activated the map and squinted his eyes, looking for Ron. He was nowhere in sight. Harry shuddered again, where was he? He scanned Filch's office, the kitchens again, even the Quidditch pitch. But he saw another person, his heart frozen with terror. 

Peter Pettigrew. 

He jumped up, a hand reaching for his wand. But in a second the door smashed open, taking Harry by surprise. He never had a chance to react. 

"Don't worry Harry, I've finished Wormtail off." said Neville, carrying an unconscious Ron over the shoulder.

* * *

Gryffindors. Pathetic. I think the one word is somewhat related to the other one. Hey, Slytherins are arrogant bastards! Oh yeah, Ravenclaws are arrogant bastards, too. Hufflepuffs? Too stupid to be any good. What House I'm in? My own House, called the Mary Sue House of Perfection. Again, flames are appreciated. I will have some more things about pathetic Gryffindors, so come by more than once. 


	4. Strangeness in Surrey

It is summer time, and Harry is once again with the Dursleys. 

Harry woke up in the morning and yawned. 

"Well, what a great day!" he looked around in his room and then at his alarm clock. It was 11 AM. 

"Funny, Aunt Petunia should have woken me already..." 

Harry dressed and walked down into the kitchen. No barking Vernon reading the newspaper while eating heaps of Ham'n'Eggs. No big fat Dudley watching the telly while eating heaps of Ham'n'Eggs. No Petunia Dursley cooking heaps of Ham'n'Eggs while spying on the neighbours. It was truly amazing. 

He searched the house. He found a note pinned to door of Dudley's room. It was unusally quiet in Dudley's room, besides a loud clicking and ticking. Harry read the note. 

_Dear Dudley, _

_Mum and I are out, making some last shopping tours (yes I know you don't want to come to Aunt Marge's birthday party but still we have to buy her a present). Make sure that- HE doesn't get out. Lunch's in the fridge. _

_Vernon _

Harry now remembered the large pile of pancakes in the fridge, but the unusual thing about it was that it was still there. Dudley would eat pancakes even if they are cold. Something very fishy was going on. 

He carefully opened the door to Dudley's room, peering inside through the gap. His wand in his right, his mind was whirling. Was it a death eater? Was ist Voldemort himself? Or was it maybe Draco Malfoy bullying muggles? But the clicking and ticking was driving him mad and so he opened the door fully, pointing his wand inside, bracing himself for whatever would come. 

Dudley looked up, his face hidden behind glasses, his pupils engorged. His hair was long and dirty, his nails were ... well, you might call them unhygenic. Dudley rose his voice. 

"U r kay? Wh4t'5 4 7unc4?" 

Harry now saw the whole situation more clearly. Dudley was sitting on his comfortable armchair, his beefy face right in front of the monitor. Harry saw some sort of computer code running over the screen. Around the computer were piles of garbage and unwrapped candypaper. A large cup of black coffee was next to Dudley's mouse. Harry started to laugh. 

"Dudley's a nerd! Dudley's a computer nerrrrd!" 

* * *

One small story, but still more than in Teacher's Traumas, so don't hit me as hard as you did with the last one. Feel free to flame, though. Of course this is going to be updated.


	5. Teacher's Traumas

McGonagall: Today students, we will transfigure each others clothes! I want you to draw a card, then do what it's written on it. 

(Harry, Hermione and Ron draw a card) 

Ron: Eeew! I have to transfigure Pansys pants into - into - I can't say it...  
(Hermione reads his card and guffaws. then she cries out loud: "Ron has to transfigure pansys panties into a thong!!!" Ron turns quite red. Harry sniggers.)

* * *

Hit me. Beat me to pulp. Do whatever you want. This part is extremely small and I intend to enlarge it, but it needs time. And ideas of course.


	6. Weird Slytherins

Goyle: You know what, I think we should talk about politics. I mean, what do you think, Crabbe? Dumbledore should be our Minister of Magic, and we should give the muggleborns more rights, these old prejudices are just rubbish.   
Crabbe: You are quite right. And please, call me Vincent. The name is from France and I like it very much, as I like the language, french. Unfortunately I haven't mastered it yet, but I will soon. What about you, Goyle?   
Goyle: Well, I think spanish is fascinating. But I don't have time to learn it, I am learning Occlumency at the moment and it does not leave any time to learn anything else.   
Malfoy: Hey guys, wanna beat up some Gryffindors? 

(Crabbe and Goyle are frowning at him, then they turn around and ignore him) 

Crabbe: He is so - mérde. 

  
*_-_*_-_* 

Crabbe: Um, Draco? What'yre doin'? Thought we gonna steal Grangers homework so we could copy it...   
Goyle: Yeah, thought so too. Hungry, hurry up, Draco. 

Draco (wearing fake hair and drawing a scar on his forehead): Shut up you two, of course I am still up to the plan! I just have to imitate that fool Harry so she gives us the homework, thanks to my acting skills this will be no problem at all! Goyle, lucky you are. You have exactly the same amount of brain cells potter has, but you are way to fat to play that skinny jerk. Damn, polyjuice would make this so easy! Hopefully Pansy is still sleeping, I would commit suicide if she saw me like this... 

-_-~~-_-

Huge party in the Slytherin Common Room. They won a Quidditch match, not against Gryffindor though. Slytherin had flattened Hufflepuff and Draco and his teammates were celebrating their victory. Butterbeer and stronger stuff was handed around. Draco passed the alocohol without taking a bottle, he didn't like to lose control. He took a butterbeer, though. 

"Oi! Draco! Wanna join a game of strippoker?" shrieked a red-faced Pansy, gesturing at a halfway naked Millicent and Blaise (who is going to be female this time ;-). Draco just shook his head, Pansy and her friends were not what you would call beautiful. He'd rather sleep with one of Hagrid's Blast-Ended-Skrewts. Well, that'll be too much, maybe a hippogriff. 

He sipped his butterbeer, ignoring the now completely naked Slytherin girls. They had convinced some Fourth Years to join them and were now giggling madly as one of the blokes had to take off his shirt. That was too much for Draco, He fixed his gaze on Goyle's enormous back and walked over to his goons. 

"Hey guys, what's up? Saw Pansy getting nude? Thank god I still have my eyesight," Goyle turned around and Draco could now see Crabbe on the other side of the table. He was currently taking his pants of, much to the delight of Malcom Baddock and some Slytherin Seventh Year, who were sitting at the same table. Malcom stroked Crabbe's newly revealed thigh affectionately, trying to battle his eyelashes. Goyle still looked questioningly at Draco, his mouth finally forming words. 

"Draco! Wanna join in?" 

Draco fell into a dead faint. 

* * *

Remember to check in frequently! If you want to read the tidbits faster, go to fictionalley.org!


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